Facing Fears: What Dad and My Dog Taught Me

No matter how much I practice (or preach) positive thinking, like every other mortal in the world, I can have a slump. Recently, my giant dog, Goku, got sick. At this writing, we are awaiting test results that will tell us what is going on with him. One result could be very bad, while the other could mean a few days treatment and rest. Somehow, for the past several days, I have been feeling very scared and therefore thinking bad thoughts about Goku's future.

My father is staying with us for a couple of months. In 2006, he was more or less scheduled to die. He was emaciated and very, very sick. He has been through the death of his wife, loss of family inheritance, his own personal fortune and health issues. I cannot say he handled all in a perfectly balanced way, however, he is alive, positive and working his way towards good health. I am certain that many of us would have given up and become victims of our dire circumstances.

My father has always been macho and of the generation that "just gets on with it." However, that attitude can also spend a lot of energy bitching and taking on a dark victim-like perspective. He has not only fought his way back to physical health, but also mental health. I say fought because that is what he did, fight. He is such a John Wayne! Every obstacle is something to be beaten, challenged and overcome. I tend to look at obstacles as something to be learned from and balanced. We have been at odds our entire life, at different points we did not speak to one another for months on end. We are so much alike.

As we have been watching Goku get more and more sick, I have been feeling sad, victimized and sorry for myself. Completely self-indulgent behavior according to my father's thinking. He, who should have said, get over it, has instead stood beside me.

Last night, I did something I have rarely done as an adult, I asked my father for emotional support. The vet had called and given a dark prognosis. My partner was sleeping and I did not have the heart to wake him. Instead, I went to my father and cried. He listened patiently, lovingly and then tenderly said, "You still don't know how bad it is. Doctors make mistakes all the time. Think positive, be positive and he will feel good."

I literally cried as I asked my father to come with us. As I stood shaking, the vet describing our beloved's condition, my father reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. I felt his strength seeping into me. It fortified me yet made me want to cry in his arms. I stood resolutely, Dad's hand on my shoulder.

Last night, as we stood vigil over our baby, I realized that no matter which result came back, his health was still his own. I realized that he took his cue from my partner and I. So, I took my cue from my father, not trustingly as I had as a child, not grudgingly as I had as a teenager. I took his perspective because he was right and it gave me strength. I got up, took a shower, curled my hair and attended to errands I had neglected for a week. This is normally not my way. I usually think my way out. I am not so much a do-er as a thinker. My father's positive energy is rubbing off on me.

I've been watching my Dad as well. He is still hurting and uncomfortable. He walks several miles every day and lifts weights. He is fighting his way back to health. He thinks positively and he laughs a lot. He caters to us and cooks us good meals and tends to Goku. He gets on with it and expects to be well and do well. He was as far down the health scale in 2006 as Goku is now. He is strong and brave. A truly good man. My hero.

Somehow, I just know in my heart, that Goku, like my father, a strong, brave and good dog, my hero, will also be completely healthy and taking morning walks with my Dad by the time you read this article. I expect Goku to be well and do well. Say a prayer for him my friends.

Email: elloboproduction@sbclgobal.net